rocks in my head
this blog showcases the beauty that is the world that we live in.
the pretty things, the interesting things, and maybe a thought or two in between. this is a place for me to see what it is that I am inside.
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life has been extremely interesting lately, it makes for good reflection. some people learn literally nothing from the life they lead (if you think im looking at you i probably am), but i constantly strive to be better and to accept the good and the bad and i am working through the resentments of how i got there in the first place. which i think is good.
this past week was.. hard. very very hard. but also i met some beautiful people who really loved me at first sight, and those are the people i strive to be like, and the people i hold deep in my soul no matter what else we have in common. logan, angel, you are beautiful and i appreciate you treating me like a beautiful being of light. it reminds me that i am one, when i am so out of sync and my vibrations are all broken and sickly. even the plants are noticing its hard to get through lately, and that has to change.
i think im going to set aside a day soon to use up my mushrooms and see where it gets me. its too bad they’re a tad old, but i think i have a fair amount nonetheless. i need to get in touch with the deeper parts of my being again, and feel the limitless love that flows through me when i open myself to it. i need to be better for myself, and for my boyfriend, but mostly for myself. angel gave me the most valuable advice ive been avoiding for a great many years. i need to live for ME. not for everyone else. everyone else lets me go, and only i can bring myself happiness. and i think the secret there is, that once you accept that, truly accept and live that, all the happiness in the world flows through you and those worth loving, those you strive to gain acceptance from, will see you for the first time, and if they are going to love you they will.
and if they are not, you must accept that it is time to let go. ive learned this in little ways over the last year or so, getting rid of bad influences and upping my levels of self-talk so that i can be there for myself when nobody else could or would. ive trapped myself in a shell, in a box, and those who could love me so eagerly arent given the chance to, and those who are left i keep at a distance with my pain and fear. after this weekend, i want to end that. I WANT TO END THAT! and i will work until i do.
so what’s up with me you ask? well. i made two Bs last semester, which annoyed and upset me to no end but i know that i tried my best under a lot of stress, misery, and heartache, and i know that i could get an A if i tried again which makes it almost okay somehow. i got a very high A in my most hard class and a 99 on the final and a 94 on my paper and the teacher (who has very hard standards for scientific writings) critiqued it but then called it outstanding, which really made my day. evolutionary biology is hard, yo. and i fucking know my shit. and that feels great.
somehow i still managed to keep a 3.6 even though it’s lower than it was, so i still made the deans list, ill still get the lowest or middle “cum laude” on my degree, and i get to stay in all my honor societies. woo, hardest semester ever emotionally and physically is over! i am now in my final two summer semesters, one month each, then i must leave this town that has had good memories and bad, but has allowed me so so so very much growth in the last three years. i came with one boy and left with another man. and ive been healthy and unhealthy and thats okay. and i know who i am now, and i know what i want now, and i know what im willing to accept out of life now, and so i guess i cant hate the loser asshole who lied and cheated and brought me here. i release that pain, for in that pain came growth everlasting.
im moving to seattle, though honestly the plan adapts constantly and i never put my feet twice on the same patch of land so who knows what will come. im excited for the forests, and im excited for the people i know in my heart i will meet there. im excited for new chances and clean slates and building futures. im excited to test out a more loving, outgoing, strong version of ME that is filled with less fear and less distrust and who chooses to keep people in my life that wouldnt treat me the way ive learned i was supposed to be treated in the past. those days and that version of myself and those people who used me are gone, never to return.
i have two months to figure this out and sell as much of my belongings as i can. never look back, and never miss an opportunity to chase love and happiness. those who do are fools, through and through. but time will show them what really matters in life. it always does. there are some things that only the world can teach us. i should know, thats how i learned.
i love you all. ive been somewhat inactive from the internet for a while now, but i appreciate you keeping me around for my occasional bursts of energy. one day ill be back more completely, i just needed to journal and share and update. this place feels like the window into my soul, and i love to share my love and experience so it can help others struggle less than myself. so this is where i go to feel open and private all at once. have great summers! make something of your days! dont lock yourselves or your hearts away! touch the fish, jump in the river, hug the naked girl, dance and scream and smile and laugh. dont be afraid to live, dreaming of the day when you will change all of that. dont think, just become.
<3 dont forget to love our mother, go curl up in nature with your loved ones. its truly the most delightful thing ever.
